How to Make an Elf

 

by dong jianhua

Acquire a child (any race or species will do). From the moment of its birth, swaddle it in silks. Decorate it in gold and dripping jewels until it cannot move for the weight of it all. Shape the ears.

Feed the child only the finest puree; half milk, half royal jelly, thickened with the sweetest piece of the pig. Feed it before it asks to be fed. Do not stop feeding it until it refuses to eat. Add gold leaf for garnish, at the child's request.

Do not let the child’s feet touch the ground; wherever it toddles, let the servants lay a fine carpet or silk cloth. Do not let its skin be marred by odor or roughness, nor its brow stained by sweat. Keep it in the shade, so that its complexion fades and its eyes adjust to complete darkness.

Tutor the child in every art, the poetry of bow and arrow and dance, song and rhyme and politics, but never labor. (Sweat is poison to an elf.) Speak to it only in incantations; “please”s and “thank you”s, the binding magicks of nicety, hierarchy, and social script.

Never reprimand the child. If it must be punished, do so in a way that will not leave a mark. Never explain wrong or right.

Never love the child, or allow it to love another; empathy will dull its senses and restore its mortality.

Allow it to mature in this manner for 100 years. Then, it will be ready to rule.

花弟

Elvish Culture

An elf is a creature of privilege. There is no such thing as an elf peasant; they’re all lords at the least. The idea that they could maintain an independent ethnostate is completely bonkers.

If there is an elvish culture, it is a forgotten one, from an age when all beings were carefully hand-crafted by individual gods, before wretched reproduction consumed the earth.

Fighting an Elf

Elves are about as fragile as normal humans. Think of them as trained Olympians; they’re amazing at everything, but within reason. You can turn them with rudeness or filth, as a cleric turns undead.

They also cast hella spells. At the start of combat, choose 3 spells; the elf has already cast them in preparation.

Playing an Elf

You were raised to be an immortal asshole, then struck out on your own somehow. Now you’re still an asshole (loveless life of privilege and whatnot) but are slowly regaining your mortality; and with it, your empathy.

Perk: You’re really good at two noble skills (archery, horseback-riding, picking up the tab, etc.)

Quirk: Save vs. obnoxiously asserting your superiority in any social situation. You get really high-strung when you get dirty, or when someone is rude to you.