it's all about the fucking cat

!!!content warning!!!
!!!scary!!! 

Full spoilers for Obsession (2026) you have been WARNED now let me get this off my chest

In Favor Of Repetition

It bears repeating.

In Cath Celdaenn, there are two kinds of dungeons: forts and temples. The former belongs to a warlord (or headless army; or upstart band of celds) and throbs with activity; the latter belongs to a saint and is still as permafrost. In the former, fight, steal, destroy, sing; in the latter, move silently and be perfectly polite.

In Wheel of Horses, there are two kinds of dungeons: vaults and ships. The former contain ancient and valuable things, long buried, suddenly unsealed. The latter fall from the sky and break into thousands of pieces. Both are swarmed by scavengers, who are in turn devoured by devils.

In HELLUVA STARSTUCK RAILBOSS, there are two kinds of dungeons: lobbies and hives (basically a demon's house). The former are corporate liminalia with giant monsters walking around for no good reason; you go here to conduct business, like to get a passport or smth. The latter are severely inhabited by demons and full of kitschy crap; you go here to steal said kitschy crap.

In Girls Like Us, there are two kinds of dungeons: clubs and trespassing.

In the time zones, there are exactly 24 dungeons.

In the Doggerlands, there is one dungeon: the basement (which bleeds into the attic and the closet).

The 5e Conversion Nobody Asked For

Below is a (conspicuously incomplete) 5e conversion of my frankenstein glog class, in a sort of inverted deusian mode.

I'm not sure what I'll use it for; sometimes my projects serve no one, not even myself.

 

[LAYOUT CREATED WITH HOMEBREWERY] Design discussion below. 

 

The first and most obvious hurdle when converting to 5e is the class length. GLOG classes have, for the most part, four abilities. The 5e barbarian has 16, 20 if you count the subclasses separately. Filling 20 levels takes a lot of text! (you can see I'm still four abilities short of a full set) 

I knew I wanted the frankenstein to be some kind of tank, so I used the barbarian as a base. Setting aside subclasses, the 5e martials mostly follow this pattern:

• important mechanic at level 1 and 2 (rage! reckless attack!)
• level 3 subclass ability
• level 5 extra attack
• level <11 third fun mechanic (brutal critical!)
• some late game upgrades to previous abilities 
• bunch o cruft to smooth out the combat math

sidebar: I rarely write "balanced" classes, but I know it's important to 5e play culture to pursue balanced combat, so I did a bit of research on the current homebrew scene and their expectations. I'm asking if I should take my shoes off before I enter your home. This is arguably my most culturally sensitive post.

The takeaway is that you don't really need 20 good ideas to write a 5e class: you need three, and a willingness to crib a bunch of sauceless ones from the rest of the players handbook.

Placing abilities in the level 5-15 range was especially tricky. Martials start needing more tools to counter save-or-suck effects around level 9, but abilities like mad science and speak with head can't come too late or they won't see play. When writing glog I like to introduce all the central mechanics by template B, and just start fucking around for C and D; but if i come up with a funny idea for a D template, I find myself trying to fit it into B so it's more likely to see play. A similar concept applies in this format

Here I strayed from the path: I didn't fully embrace the relentless rages and slippery minds of dnd design, in part because without playtesting I didn't have a good sense of what holes needed filling (you don't end up at an ability like diamond soul without rigorous combat-sim-ing)

jason chan

The subclasses were really easy to write: as deus has observed, 5e subclasses and glog classes have the same "four fun ideas" structure. I suspect this is why fifthdragon's 5e subclass conversions work so seamlessly: the core class chassis is the really wonky part of 5e design, needing to be conceptually stripped down AND stuffed full of extra mechanics.

My favorite is the undead (ofc, it hews closest to my concept for the original frankenstein): its charge mechanic was on the base chassis for a while before i realized it wasn't one of the three central mechanics.

My second favorite is the construct, which i fell in love with aesthetically but couldnt quite crack mechanically. They're a stalker assassin(????) puppet murder doll goddammit i forgot to rename their abililties w/e fuck it post that shit

goals for a more complete writeup:

• a lifepath or background table (i like player aids that are a little game-y and aren't massive blocks of text)
• +1/2 subclass abilities? (they're more fun to write than the base class, and it would be cool if the murder doll had a "cracked face" ability of some kind)
• table of interesting starting limbs (5e equipment tables are pretty open ended but a toolbox class deserves smth more specific, with like lockpick hands and pogo feet)

Your Only Move Is (GLOG Class: Hustler)

 

HUSTLER
Start with: Two weapons (see below)
+2 Techniques per template
A - Combo
B - Like a Book
C - Yomi
D - Hustle

A: Combo
Whenever you roll to deal damage, you may reroll the damage to begin a combo.

• If the new amount exceeds your last damage roll, it becomes the damage dealt. You may repeat this process to extend the combo.
• If the new amount is equal to the current damage, you drop the combo and can't reroll again.
• If the new amount is below the current damage, you drop the combo AND get punished: your target gets a free hit on you.

Example: You hit for 3 with a sword (d8). You extend and this time roll a 5. You've now landed a 2-hit combo and dealt 5 damage total.

You can freely swap items between your hands, pockets, stowed inventory, and immediate surroundings in the middle of your combo.

Keep track of your longest combo, for bragging rights if nothing else.

 

B: Like a Book
If you know someone well enough, you can read them.

First, declare three nontrivial facts you know about them. Next, declare an action. You learn how your target would immediately react to your action. (Basically ask "If I do X, what will they do in response?")

You can read someone in response to dropping your combo on them, negating your last roll; or to reduce their incoming damage to you by d12.

If you are mistaken in one of your nontrivial facts, the information you get from your read will also be mistaken. (Noble gm, lie thru your teeth!)

You can't do this again until you meditate for an hour, learn three new things about them, or crit them.

 

C: Yomi
You can read mysterious levers, magic items, empty hallways, dead bodies, and other non-living things.

You still need to declare three nontrivial facts. ("The sword is made of gold" is trivial, because you can observe it without prior context. "The sword belonged to Juan Guerrera" is better. "This room is an altar to Hel." You get the idea.)

When reading hallways, levers, and other dungeon features, you may choose to read the dungeon itself.

When reading a corpse, you learn how they would have reacted if they were still alive. ("If I did X, what would they have done in response?")

 

D: Hustle
You deal additional damage equal to the length of your current combo. (i.e. if you are rolling to extend a two-hit combo, you add +2 damage to the result.) (Yes, you can now deal theoretically infinite damage.)

You also get a free read against lower level fighters.

Weapons
If your gm is cool they'll let you use these for other classes too.

1. Ninja pot pourri (d4) — 20 shuriken/kunai/caltrops/noisemakers/bladed fans/etc. hidden all over your person. You can throw up to 1 + [templates] of them at a time.
2. Unarmed strikes (d6) — Your bare hands, feet, elbows, knees, and forehead. Intense training has made them resistant to heat, cold, electricity, and gentleness.
3. Katana (d10) — The sharpest of all swords (which deal a mere d8). With each strike, you can teleport behind your target.
4. Lunar Arc (d6) — Silvery bow. Pins clothes to walls. Deals d8 when bathed in moonlight.
5. Flames (d6 per template) — From your own mouth. Reload by eating spicy food.
6. Tome (d6) — On your third hit in a combo, cast a spell at +1MD for free:
1. Frost — [sum] damage, doubled against fire types.
2. Skull — Conjure [sum] floating spectral skulls. Opportunistically bite those who get too close for 1 damage and then vanish (basically a "pool" of damage you can add to your attacks).
3. Boost — Send yourself flying [sum] x 10' in any direction.
4. Trance — Until combat ends, [sum] targets have +1 to hit and damage and hear a battle rhythm that allows them to communicate wordlessly and instinctually at any distance.
7. Bone Claws (d6/d6) — Schlorp out of your wrists, dealing d6 damage to you.
8. Orb (d4) — Floating telekinetic runed stone sphere. Obeys your thoughts. Can exert as much force as one of your arms.
9. Pistolfoot (d6) — 10' VERTICAL LEAP KICK BIRDS (& birdlike beafts wink nudge) OUT THE AIR
10. Lasso (d6) — Can crack as a whip or wrangle a varmint from afar.
11. Bioelectricity (up to d6) — Zaps out of your palm. The target becomes charged, taking or dealing +d6 damage from or with a metal weapon, once.
12. Phantom limb (d6) — Replaces your dominant hand. Deals damage by aging its victims that many years.
13. Princess (d4/d4) — A willful and fearless animal. Spend your attack to command her. Deals d6s against creatures her size, like gnomes and squirrels.
14. Slab of iron (d12) — A piece of metal too huge and unwieldy to be called a sword. -4 to hit.
15. Orcaxe (d8) — d12 against orcoid body plans. 
16. Boulder (varies) — Torn out of the ground or wall, as available. Deals d4/d6/d8/d10/d12, depending on how many slots heavy it is. A brick is a 1-slot boulder.
17. Revolver (2d6) — Six-shooter. Figure out how to reload it.
18. Mist clone jutsu (varies) — Roll damage twice and take the higher. Clone dies in a single hit, can't dodge, and is created with no equipment. Fleeting sentience.
19. Fender (d12) — You turn into a car and hit people with yourself. Take all the damage you deal.
20. Everything else (d4) — Anything you can get your hands on counts as an improvised weapon. 

Interesting Maids

fkey

Doggerlands PCs are all pure-blooded dogs. Their servants, however, are imported from various nations and small isles.

For the most part, maids of a given type are all the same. You don’t need to know much more than that; you definitely shouldn't play as one of these.

1. Ardward
Smugeyed tawnylipped longwits too clever for their own good. Wear hats shaped like little boxes, which they use to hide their long, silky hair from lascivious suitors. If you are pursued by an ardward, throw a book on the ground; they'll be compelled to kneel down and scan it for grammatical errors. They're fast readers, so make it a big book.

2. Scuriani
Flattongued flipflopping slickbacks. Closely related to ducks, who they hate. The hair on their neck changes hues with their environment and emotions. Men are emotional, women are taciturn, both are easily goaded into knife fighting.

3. Dalula
Mooneyed mousy blacksaps. Born in litters of two or four: only children are especially ominous. Predisposed to diabolism, possession, and eldritch madness; otherwise personable and polite. A flame lit by a dalula burns deep, sinful crimson; it is bad luck to let a dalula carry your candle.

4. Cigner
Craning darksocketed peekers. Very hard to see in the dark, aside from their yellow pinprick pupils. Ghoulish laughter (save vs nausea), puerile sense of humor. Hide their hands, which are often deformed. Fighting custom revolves around roundhouse kicking each other in the neck.

5. Mau-mau
Sallow softboned meltymouths. Blush green. Slow to illness, quick to injury. Kindly to the point of superstition. If too harshly criticized, they bleed.

6. Iron Coastal
Clamcracking sexless boulderbrows. Glitter in the sun like fresh asphalt. Ears fold back when scheming, which is most of the time. Looking at the ocean grants them a profound sense of comfort, nostalgia, and also light precognition. Also called whalekin or welsh.

7. Nari
Lackwise hamhocked unicorns. Work quickly in the cold and glacially elsewhere. Strong singers and stronger swimmers. Born to a rich culinary and oratory tradition. Overvalued for their horns; a stumped nari is worth nothing at all.

8. Ogre
Braggadocious rosegoggled beerwolves. Drink like sinkholes and fight like bull elephants. Partially colorblind and completely artblind: beautiful dresses are like camouflage to them.

9. White
Bulbfingered blinkless beanpoles. Look older than they actually are. Pathologically restless. Every white is given an esoteric metal device at birth, the function of which they must decipher via obsessive fidgeting to attain maturity. To know this function is to know one very, very intimately.

10. Ester
Semitranslucent and perpetually on the verge of tears. Sentimental psychopaths: killing an ant makes them cry; slaughtering a calf does not. Fall in love with rivers and especially shapely hills. Molt once a year; it takes a week and a half, and is very messy.

11. Malisian
Zippertoothed picknosed filchos. Superarticulated fingers will flit into your pockets unless you brandish an iron arrow at them; a goodhearted malisian will sate this urge by simply misplacing your belongings. Quietly competent in malefic, the written language of the first necromancers; any malisian who learns magic gets their fingers cut off. They have no country.

12. Praian
Gloamy looseleaf horsecels. Laugh easily and quietly. Invented the game of charades and the dark art of mime. Hopeless romantics with showy courtship rituals. Compensate for their incomprehensible accents by having nothing of import to say.

a cigner, iron coastal, and white
as interpreted by my fiancee