Caring for your Rat Bastards

from runescape
i am so enamored with this fat rat

“I prefer treasure that isn’t just treasure. So say I find a gold necklace; I can use it to choke someone out later. You can’t do that with gold coins.”

- My beloved girlfriend, murderhobo supreme*

Today’s wild conjecture is that everything found in a dungeon should have a rat bastard mode. This is because being a rat bastard is fun. If you can’t be a rat bastard with it, its taking up valuable thinky-space on your character sheet; space that could be dedicated to holding more caltrops.**

Being a rat bastard means being clever, devious, and quick-witted. It means thinking outside the box and on your feet. It means carrying a crowbar instead of a sword because you can hit a man with a crowbar but you can’t open a mausoleum gate with a sword. It’s very OSR, and something I believe should be a component of every game ever.

Some rat bastards are on the shyer side, or have yet to fully mature. To properly care for and support your own rat bastards, follow these simple steps:

• “The necklace glitters with tiny rubies, a thick, sturdy cord underlying its delicate beauty.” ← Describing items like this plants the seed of rat bastardry; the idea that treasure isn’t just treasure, it’s a tool.
• A sword is nice. A tree branch covered in sticky honey and caltrops is nicer. If you let creative combat options deal as much damage as traditional weapons, the rat bastards will come out to play.
• Let physics play a role. Everyone understands that heavy things hurt when they fall on you, and that people fall down when they step on something slippery. Universal facts like this let everyone be a rat bastard.
• Put extra junk in finished dungeons, just to get the wheels turning. "There’s a ladder leaning against the wall missing half its rungs." "There’s a bucket of water and a mop." "There’s an alligator skull on the headmaster’s desk." Eventually, someone’s gonna pick one up and get a rat bastard idea.

Not all of your players will be rat bastards, but some of them will, and they’ll take to it like stinky lil fish to water.

Feed those stinky fish.***

Joesky Tax


This is a newborn blade, supple and flimsy. It only ever deals 1 damage and slithers out of its scabbard with a viscous *SLORP*. After tasting the blood of an enemy battalion ten men strong, it reaches maturity (after a brief chrysalis stage). The mature blade fights as if it were ten swords held by ten men.

Once mature, the sword seeks a mate. If you cross blades with another magic sword three times, both will shatter into 1d4 swordeggs. These hatch into newborns when incubated in a mountain-top forge, and possess properties of both parents when mature.

 

*she isn’t actually a murderhobo, but she has the talent for it
**always weigh held items against the opportunity cost of carrying less caltrops
***this metaphor got away from me